The title of this blog probably does not express the overall gratitude I feel for meeting this wonderful man.
Years went by and time was spent between us. We grew together, ran the organization (and part of the school), and told each other most of our thoughts and feelings about things.
I knew I liked him, but I never told him, thinking the feeling would go away, like how the harsh wind in autumn is forgotten when snow falls calmly from the sky. I mostly hoped, it would go away, I guess. Of course, it would be my luck that the wind would carry the autumn leaves far away and remain in winter, creating a blizzard.
Being a year older than him, I left for college while he stayed in our hometown, waiting to graduate. We parted on a sad note, both of us already missing the opportunity to talk to each other every day and to walk through the school, knowing we ruled it. But, I needed to start my life, and we promised we would stay in each others' lives.
So, I began my freshman year at a university. I joined Army ROTC as a nursing major and still love it. Telling myself I would focus on my studies and physical fitness, I modeled myself after him, pushing myself and constantly listening to his voice in my mind. He motivated me, without realizing he was even doing it.
One day, I couldn't stop thinking about him. It was almost maddening. "Why am I thinking of him so much?" I asked myself this often recently, but this day my head was particularly filled with thoughts of him. I attempted to take a nap and had a dream. The most bittersweet dream; we were together. He confessed his love for me and we held each other and kissed, tears of joy streaming down my face. When I woke up, my face was already soaked and I started bawling into my pillow. The tears on my face were not those of sheer happiness, but of sorrow. I knew already that I loved him, more than anyone else, but the truth hurt more than helped. This man would never love me. I was the girl he told everything; the list of women he liked included. There weren't many on that list and I never made it, as far as he admitted. I texted him, telling him that I couldn't hide that I had feelings for him. He said he always figured deep down. And that was it. After making sure nothing would change between us, we've never spoken of it again. We had grown apart for some time. He got a girlfriend and I found out through Facebook, but still congratulated him.
It's been years since we first met and I feel more love for him every day. This blog is going to mostly be for me to convey my feelings and sort through them. If people read it and would like to offer their opinions, then I welcome it. Maybe someday he'll read this too.
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| Something I doodled to represent him. |
